Mosaic Butterfly 27

About Me

Kristine Anne Harpenau

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I was a Catholic Sister (a nun) for 49 years. For 10 of those years, I was Prioress (Major Superior) of one of the largest communities of Benedictine women in the United States. On June 3, 2016 some would say, “I ran away” from the monastery, but I say, “I ran too…JOY.”

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During my term as Prioress, I was diagnosed with Major Depression which caused me to experience memory problems. It felt like swimming with someone who was trying to pull me under. At first, I tried to swim away, but after a while, it became “normal”. I did what was expected of me and I put on a “good face” but inside I was withering. I had become dry and tired, simply existing, instead of living!

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After reconnecting with an old friend, she invited me to celebrate our May birthdays together on the Shawnee Wine Trail in Southern Illinois. I jumped at the opportunity to get out of the monastery for a few days, but what happened that weekend was more than a respite from having to put on a good face.

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When she arrived I couldn’t believe what was happening. She was wearing a brass tiara with a green stone in the middle. When she got out of her car she called out, “Princess Kristina the Most Astonishing,” and placed a tiara on my head. Then she said, “and, I am Princess Yanola de Guatchematones.” I didn’t know if maybe she was high on something and for a moment I wasn’t sure I should get in the car with her, but something drew me.

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As lovely as the tiara was (not a plastic children’s toy), I was too self-conscious to wear it in public, “What would people think?” a thought that was my constant companion. Two hours into our road trip we stopped at a rest area and got out of the car, she wore her tiara, but I did not wear mine. People stared and laughed at her, this embarrassed me. She was delighted, “wasn’t that wonderful, we made all those people laugh and for some, it might be the only time they laugh today!” That made me even more embarrassed. I was so consumed by my image that I didn’t notice the joy. 

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Our next stop was the first winery for the day and I made an effort to enjoy wearing the tiara and started looking for the joy in the faces of other people. We went from one winery to another as “Princesses Kristina the Most Astonishing and Princess Yanola de Guachimontones,” creating joy and laughter. Total strangers bought us a glass of wine, others sat with us to share conversation, and many thanked us for brightening their day. 

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That night in our B&B when it was dark outside, she pulled glow sticks out of her “magic bag”, but what really shocked me was when she used scissors to cut them open and fling the glowing liquid all over the room. It was on the bedspread, the curtains, the walls, the ceiling, and carpet. I thought she was out of her mind, how would we clean it all up, wouldn’t it destroy whatever it touched! Then she handed one to me and said, “Come on Princess Kristina the Most Astonishing,” and I did. For the next 20 minutes we danced around flinging the glow-in-the-dark juice all over the room and on our balcony. We laughed until we fell to the floor and looked up at the beauty that we had created. The room was glowing in pink, green, yellow and blue. I no longer cared about the room, I just saw the beauty of the colorful universe we had created. It was like we were in the middle of a wonderland and we were indeed the princesses. I had never laughed so hard or felt so free. My friend had no idea that God was using her simple childlike fun to shake something loose in me. 

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After the deep laughter, joy, and beauty of the day, my emotions spilled over and I shared my pain and shame of the depression for the first time. There was no judgment…just heart listening, and the world didn’t crumble around me.

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One year after this “spiritual awakening” and a lot of prayer and discernment, I left the monastery. It was a difficult decision since religious life was the only life I had known since I was 18-years-old and the worry about “what would people think” kept creeping back in. However, I knew that I had to release the things that were binding me so that I could be free and whole! I was spending every day doing the things I didn’t want to do and was afraid of waking up one day and there would be no more time left to do all the things that I wanted to do.

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At age 66, I decided to do what was best for me and create a purposeful joy-filled life! I now live in the Sierra Madre Mountains in South Central Mexico where I eat juicy mangoes and do more of what makes me feel alive! For most of my life, I lived a dry and tame existence. I didn’t feel free to express myself in every dimension of my life. I decided I didn’t want to live “inside the lines” anymore. I wanted to go wandering, meet new people, try new things, laugh boldly out loud, wear clothes that gave me a shape, dance badly, blow bubbles. There have been many “firsts” since leaving the monastery and this has brought me great joy and infused life into my being. Riding a Harley on the Blue Ridge Parkway in the Smoky Mountains, dancing under a full moon, attending a heavy metal concert, sea kayaking in Mexico, participating in a Mayan cacao ceremony in Guatemala, hiking 500 miles on the Camino de Santiago, singing in an international choir, blowing bubbles during a traffic jam, building a colorful blanket fort and inviting friends to come watch movies and eat popcorn and chocolate in the fort. “Running to joy” has brought these tired bones back to life. As I become more joyful and peaceful, I am able to share that with those around me. 

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So often the challenges in our lives are so great that we focus on the difficulties we have and we lose sight of what is going well in our lives. Life is meant to be fun and joyous. Joy is what makes life beautiful. It’s what gets us through challenges and allows light in to illuminate the shadows. Joy heals our wounds, inspires us to greatness, and fills our souls with goodness. And, it’s contagious!

 

So ask yourself in the words of Mary Oliver; “...what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.” I hope your answer is to RUN TO JOY!